A Recurring Dream

Latest from West Mercia Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre

I have a recurring dream. In the dream I realise I have not seen my mum for a while and decide to go and see her, but I do not know where she is.

I start looking for her, I know she is not in my childhood home, panic sets in, I can’t find her and then I remember that she died a few years ago.

I wake up and a wave of grief and loss hits me.

I usually have the dream when I am away from work and relaxing, when I have time to reflect and am not caught up in the day-to-day busyness of life and work.

The busyness that allows you to hide away from hurt, pain, loss and grief, whether that is from bereavement, trauma or abuse.

I have worked with survivors of sexual violence for over 20 years and borne witness to the trauma and abuse they have experienced.

I have seen how staying busy is a coping strategy to keep difficult feelings and memories away.

Our clients often express complicated and conflicted feelings towards parents if a parent was involved in the abuse. There may have been times of happiness and care alongside the abuse.

Some will be in the position of caring for the parent that abused them, the abuser now being the vulnerable one.

There may be relief when a parent dies or it may trigger long hidden feelings.

There is often a conflict of emotions about how survivors feel about the loss of an abusive parent or of one who stood by and did nothing.

They may be silenced by the death of a parent — not wanting to speak ill of the dead.

These things all combine to make processing a loss far more complicated.

We provide a safe, supportive space for clients to talk — for some it is the first time they have ever spoken about what happened to them.

Last year our therapy services received over 2,000 new referrals for counselling support from women, men and children who want to talk about, heal and move on from sexual violence and abuse.

It takes courage to sit with a counsellor and talk about your life and trauma.

It is rarely an easy process, it has its ups and downs and it can take time to process and grieve for a lost childhood or for how life could have been.

Clients can learn gradually to sit with the feelings, not to distract away from them, and we give them tools to manage distress while they are working things through.

I know I have been incredibly lucky as a child. I was cared for, I was not scared and I was safe.

I have had the privilege of uncomplicated grief, able to mourn without conflicted feelings. Many people do not have that privilege.

For more help on getting support visit: www.wmrsasc.org.uk 

To read the full Worcester News article click here.